


Becoming

by StrangerThanDiction



Category: Mamamoo
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, angsty i guess, i still love you solar, it's a drabble series now, strange i drop this on solar's day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-11-01 12:28:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17867276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrangerThanDiction/pseuds/StrangerThanDiction
Summary: Imaginings of old-school Moonsun





	1. You're Always Apologizing

Byulyi was running.

The air that swept against her skin was freezing and the cracked sidewalks pounded back against her thin slippers, but she hardly felt it. Only the thumping of her heart in her chest.

The owls that _who_ 'ed pondered why the woman was in such a rush, but she didn't answer. She didn't hear them, just the sound of her huffing breaths that filled her ears. 

Only the streetlights penetrated the darkness of the night - was it morning? She couldn't recall as she turned around the corner of the final block and reached the neighborhood adjacent to her own. 

Her gaze focused on the one familiar house on the street, she bounded up the porch steps and slammed her fist into the door. Once, twice -

It flung open and a scowling Yongsun appeared, dressed in a sleeping gown yet didn't appear at all tired. 

"We have a schedule in five hours Byul." Her arms crossed, "Why are you here so late?"

Byulyi huffed and sagged slightly, "Are you still mad?" 

The older woman's eyes rolled to the heavens before she stepped back to allow Byul to enter. "Where's your jacket? Huh, Byul-ah? It's too cold for no jacket." She muttered and shut the door behind her.

"You didn't answer me." 

"No, Byul-ah." Yongsun's gaze somewhat softened. "I was never mad. Just...frustrated."

That was the thing wasn't it? Byulyi was too touchy, too forthcoming with her information, didn't say the right heterosexual things. Yongsun knew she didn't like having to pretend or hide things but-

"You can't keep grabbing onto me," Yongsun sighed and then, as an afterthought, "not on camera."

"It makes you uncomfortable."

"It sends the wrong message." She countered. 

Byulyi coughed out a bitter laugh. "What message? There is no message, right? That's what you always tell me."

She shook her head, incredulous. "This again."

"Yeah, funny how this _gigantic_ relationship flaw keeps coming up." 

"We're just friends Byul."

"Except when you're horny." She spat. "Then it's: _come over Byul-ah, I just want to cuddle Byul-ah_ \- and you do not want to cuddle by the way."

Yongsun stepped back and the overhead light from the kitchen cast across her face, puckered with annoyance. Byulyi hated that even that looked cute.

"Don't act like I do this to spite you. But when feelings get involved -"

"-we get outted because I 'talk too much'."

She threw up her hands. "Am I wrong?"

"There's a difference between liking to talk and being an absolute dumbass." Byulyi shook her head, took a step closer. "You shouldn't just be able to choose like this. When you do or don't want me." 

"I _do want_ you to understand where I'm coming from. We both-" She cleared her throat, "We're in a mutually-beneficial relationship."

Byulyi blinked. "You're really saying that right now? You know, I came here to apologize."

"You always apologize." 

"Well Yongsun..." She ran a hand through her bleached hair. "What else am I supposed to do?"

She startled at the break in the Byul's voice but managed to refrain from reaching out to the woman who folded her arms, almost shielding herself. She just stood there dumbly, unsure of what to do. 

"Why can't you even try?" Byul continued. "You're even on that show with Eric." 

"Not seeing your point." 

"The point is I'm done being your fuck buddy. If we're going to have a professional relationship, it might as well be one-hundred percent."

"Fine." Yongsun shrugged with an expression of forced nonchalant. "Thank you for knocking on my door at twelve in the morning to tell me that." 

"Really?" _You'll just let me leave?_

"Sure. You suggested it and honestly it sounds much better than whatever we're doing right now." She brushed past her and opened the front door. She gestured to the coat hanger nearby. "Take a coat on the way out." 

Byulyi stormed out and didn't look at her or the offered coat on the way outside, just disappeared around the block with tears that stung against her cheeks in the harsh cold. The shadows in the house didn't allow for her to see the dampness that brimmed in Yongsun's eyes in the darkness. She might have stayed then and apologized. 

Because all she did was apologize.


	2. You're Always Jealous

She had no right to feel this way. And yet there was a white hot poker that twisted into her intestines and she felt nauseated constantly.

Byul was on vacation with Seulgi instead of her and it was perfectly understandable. They'd been distant the past few weeks, and she had no right to the jealousy that swirled in her stomach, that threatened to consume her thoughts. 

"I'm thinking about dying my hair darker this comeback." Hyejin said as she looked into the practice room's mirror and fiddled with her fading orange hair. 

"Hm." Came Yongsun's response, too distracted with things not present in the room to really hear.

"Alright. Out with it." Hyejin spun towards her and threw up her hands. "What the hell is wrong with you?" 

Yongsun blinked out of her stupor and crossed her arms. "What?"

"I mean, you've been out of it the last couple of practices - hell, the last couple of days. You're pissy all the time-"

"I'm on my period."

"Uh huh." Hyejin threw her a glance of disbelief. "It has nothing to do with you and Byulyi being a perpetual argument the pass few weeks?" 

"Nope." Yongsun gave her a stern look that Hyejin was all too familiar with. "Now replay the song. Please." 

Yongsun figured that Hyejin and Wheein knew - to some extent - the kind of relationship her and Byulyi had. From the days she'd come to practice in the t-shirt they knew was Byulyi's or the half-baked excuses of why Byulyi was over at her place all the time. 

Maybe no one would suspect anything if Byulyi weren't so damn obvious all the time. She was more than clingy, she kissed her neck in public, and stared at her openly in that way she never did with the other members. 

It made her feel special. It made her feel paranoid and annoyed. That duality between what she wanted to be and who she had to be was tearing her apart. 

She found herself craving Byulyi's touch, missing it so bad she could physically feel the ache. She missed the ones at night, when they were alone, that explored every inch of her and knew every part of her so well. The ones in daily life that were playful and the ones that just said _'I am here with you'_. 

But she was the leader and it already put her members in jeopardy just by entertaining the idea of homosexual love. Everything around her screamed that it was wrong - including her own conscious - except for Byulyi. She never once said or implied the act that what were doing was wrong, but she could see it pained her. The judgement from others and the reaching distance between them even when they were so close.

She regretted every harsh glare or sharp whisper she threw at Byulyi for saying or touching her too much. But later. After they were away from the cameras and the peering eyes. 

It was selfish how much the idea of Byulyi being away, probably enjoying herself, made her feel so jealous. Seulgi had always been a source of stress for her - all of Byulyi's girl friends. Because she wasn't hers. She'd made it beyond clear, in words that were full of frustration that usually morphed into cold anger, that they never could date. 

But what if she moved on? Found someone else? 

She could already feel the emptiness of her missing presence now, and she was just on vacation with someone else. If Byulyi had somehow found another person to take Yongsun's place she didn't know what'd she do. The pain that chipped at her with just the thought of it was indescribable and that concerned her more than the thought of what might happen if someone found out about them.

Yongsun knew that the right thing to do for everyone would be to date Eric. If she could just fall in love in him everything would solve itself. He was a nice guy and she knew he was attractive, but there was nothing there like what she felt with Byulyi. With Eric it was guilt and awkwardness. 

With Byulyi it was love and hate. 

Yongsun finally stopped the track, sweat glistened on her forehead, and Hyejin slumped to the floor in an exhausted heap.

"Actually Hyejin," she slid onto the floor beside her, "something is wrong with me." 

"Can you tell me over gopchang?" 

Yong nodded. "Sure. I've waited this long."


	3. You're Always There

_Even when I don't want you to, you plague every other thought that runs through my head. No matter how bad your words hurt me or how hard I try to think you away - drink you away._

Byulyi stared up at the ceiling of the hotel room she shared with Seulgi, the haze of the liquor from earlier muddling her brain and clouding her vision. She'd drunk too much.

Was it out of self-pity or cold anger? She'd forgotten.

Seulgi believed it was under the pretense of letting themselves go, away from the preying eyes and the obligations of being an idol. She doubted Seulgi would've let her drink so much if she thought otherwise. Probably would've sat her down to 'talk about it'.

Fuck talking. That'd done fuck-all so far, hadn't it?

_I still love you though. I would come back to you if you asked me to. You never do though. Does that make me stupid?_

_I feel stupid. I'm on vacation and I can only think of you and how we left things. How you let me go. Do you feel sorry for it or will forget me in Eric's arms?_

Her stomach churned at the thought. The thought that Yongsun had so many options -- men who would date her and it would be easy and acceptable.

_And we aren't acceptable._

The thought was ever present through warning glares from Yongsun and casual words from nameless faces of how wrong and unnatural it was. It was hard not to think so too and know that she was not wrong. 

It didn't feel wrong. 

_It feels right when my hands are on your skin and you whisper my name into the darkness for only me to hear. Your smile against my neck and your fingers entwined in mine. The way you look at me as if you love me and it's just me and you in the whole universe._

_How could that be wrong?_

Byulyi lied in her bed, eyes closed, with a gentle smile on her lips even as tears streamed down her cheeks. 

 

 

The vacation didn't last long and Byulyi was back in the practice room before she knew it. Dread ate at her at the thought of having to be around Yongsun once again, but she felt a little bit better than before. 

Seulgi had finally asked her what was wrong, sensing it on the last day of the trip. She said if Yongsun really cared for her she would apologize first -- at least once. Byulyi had smiled and agreed but some part of her knew it wouldn't happen. She always broke first. 

Yongsun didn't look at her as she entered the practice room, hair tied into a loose ponytail. She went to stretch in the opposite corner as her. Byulyi snuffed out that glimmer of hope and excitement that lit up as she saw her and ignored her presence as best she could in the circumstances. 

Practice should've began five minutes ago but the maknaes were still missing. Even more surprising was Yongsun being unconcerned with that fact. 

It was running on ten minutes and Byulyi was beginning to wonder if she'd have ask her what the deal was when Yongsun finally looked up at her. 

"How was your vacation?" 

Byulyi hesitated in the shock of the question. Yongsun had made it quite clear she was not concerned about her vacation or who she was going with before, so to ask now...

"Fine." She answered without much infliction. Didn't look up. She moved again to her butterfly stretches. 

There was silence for a long moment and Byulyi began to think that was all she was going to say when, "I missed you" came out in a soft whisper that was barely audible in the hum of the air conditioner. 

Byulyi froze, half-convinced she'd conjured that voice herself, but Yongsun was looking at her with an openness in her face that she had never seen before.

"Sure. It was nice to get away from everything."

"Like me."

"I didn't say that."

"You didn't have to." Yongsun sighed and stood up, came closer to her. "I shouldn't have told you to leave that night. I'm sorry." Byulyi sat completely still, staring up at her. "I'm just afraid and I take it out on you."

"Why're you afraid?"

"Why are you not?" Yongsun bent onto her knees in front of her. "If someone -" She stopped as she saw Byulyi's eyes dim, prepared for the speech again. "I had time to think when you were gone." 

Byulyi shook her head, "I really don't want to hear this again-" 

"I told Wheein and Hyejin about us." Byulyi's jaw dropped slightly. "They'd already figured but-"

"Why would you do that?"

"As a peace offering for someone who told me there was no shame in being different." Yongsun took Byulyi's hand in her own. "And you know what Byul? They don't give a fuck!" A cackle of disbelief flew out of her mouth. "Here I was thinking that it was the end of the world and of Mamamoo but Wheein just laughed and Hyejin rolled her eyes like it was nothing."

Byulyi sat there speechless, not able to properly feel all of the emotions that bombarded her. "I don't understand."

"I spent so much time caring what the world thought of me, but once you left I could only think of you. It's like you're always there. In my mind." Yongsun fiddled absently with Byulyi's fingers. "I'm sorry it took so long for me to say it."

"Say it then." Byulyi scooted forward until only inches separated their faces. "Tell me." 

"I love you too, Byul-ah." Yongsun pressed a light kiss onto her forehead. "I want to make this work. I want us to date."

Byulyi's whole body shuddered as she leaned into her chest and felt arms wrap around her. "I never thought you'd-" 

"I'm an idiot."

"You are." She muttered into the shoulder of her shirt which earned a scoff from Yongsun. "But I love you. So much."

"I know you do. I don't know why, but I know you do."


	4. You're Always Mine

Years had passed since that day in the practice room and the members of Mamamoo were nearing the end of a new project: 4 Season, 4 Colors. Life had been hectic for everyone the past year, especially now that Hyejin had been brought into the spotlight and by association they themselves in a way. The relaxed days of the past felt far away but it was not a thought yearned after. As Moonbyul would say, 'my Thom Browne obsession must be fed somehow'.

It'd become harder for them all to meet together though and the few times a year they did were a special time. On the contrary, Byulyi and Yongsun always found time to meet up at least a few times a week, seeing their separation was lonely and unwelcome. Most days there wasn't a plan, but Byulyi would come over with the sheepish smile of a homeless hamster and take shelter in her house. 

Byulyi would eat the food in Yongsun's fridge to her weak complaints, but make it up the next time by paying for delivery. 

She would sleepily curl into Yongsun's side while the older girl watched television and then whine that the volume was too loud. Yongsun would halfheartedly slap her arm and pout, but wordlessly turn the sound down anyway. 

Recently they'd pat themselves on the back for a loophole they'd composed for a show they were on called  _Life Bar_. Being completely honest about dating was something of a caution between them and Yongsun had always been silent on the matter,  _We Got Married_ spoke enough for her. Byul had related her story in complete truth, there had been a bad significant other pre-debut and she hadn't dated since.

They've never really dated -- not in the traditional sense of the word. Yongsun was hers and she was Yongsun's. It'd been that way for a while now. Byul believed that was why she was able to say she hadn't dated in years with complete confidence as Yongsun looked on from beside her unconcerned. Openly not having dated anyone got rid of unwanted questions of who's and when's. 

"...and then she asked me for your number." Yongsun sat between Byulyi's legs on her bed and allowed the woman to play with her hair as she relayed the events of her morning. "Under the false pretense of a cute meetup, to make it worse. I was used."

Byulyi's fingers hesitated, curled into the base of her scalp as she laughed, "And you told her...?"

"'Ask her your damn self'." Yongsun said, only sounding slightly bitter. "But in a nicer way of course." 

She pressed a kiss to onto the crook of her neck, "Because my Yeba is sweet and never gets jealous?" 

Yongsun's response was leaning further into Byulyi's embrace. Fingers untangled from her hair and roamed down to her waist, traced the band of her sweatpants with Byulyi's lips on her neck. 

"We have an hour before our schedule." Byulyi muttered, one mischievous finger underneath the band.

Yong pulled away, only to turn and look at her already-flushed face. "We can not have another 'mosquito bite incident'."  

"That's easy then," Byulyi other hand rubbed circles over her belly, "we have options. And somehow you are not wearing a crop top today."  

" _After_  the schedule Byul-ah," Yong said, using her stern leader voice. "I wasn't done with my story." Byulyi pouts but slid her hands back to her hair, much to relief and well-hidden disappointment of Yongsun who resumed her previous position. "...You know I lost my train of thought." 

She could feel Byulyi's disbelieving laughter rumbling through her. "We can start getting ready then."

Yongsun hummed noncommittally and leaned her head back onto her shoulder. "Five more minutes." 

"We could stay here forever," Byulyi said softly near her ear, "I mean my right arm is going numb and is in excruciating pain, but anything for my Yeba."

"You're so annoying."

"And yet you still love me."

"Amazing, isn't it?"

"Hm," Byulyi said, "I guess it is kind of amazing."

"Ai! Stop being so greasy all the time!" Yong protested while slapping her arm. 

Byulyi grabbed her hand, a crooked grin on her face as played with her fingers. A sense of complete happiness had filled her up just by being around the woman. It made her want to shout her love to the heavens and not give a damn about what people thought. 

"What're you thinking about?" Yong said after awhile of watching their hands. 

"The day I put a ring on your finger." She mused and massaged the knuckle of her ring finger. "This one right here."

"You know marriage isn't that big of a thing Byul."

"One day I am going to marry you Kim Yongsun." She declared with absolute resolution. "And you will be so surprised and happy that you might just die."

"I am looking forward to the day you murder me with your love." Yong said, the sarcasm barely evident in her voice. She turned her head to look up at Byulyi. "Where's the honeymoon?"

"Anywhere you are is honeymoon en-"

"Ai!" She untangled herself from Byulyi and got off the bed. "Enough! I'm going to shower."

"I'll miss you."

"Don't miss me so much you pop up behind me and scare me shitless again." 

"I only did that because I love you!"

"Your love is really dangerous huh?" Yongsun smirked. She pulled her sweatshirt over her head and tossed it into Byulyi's lap. "You're free to join me." 

Byulyi watched her. "Speaking of dangerous." 

"It's better for the environment." 

The expression on Byulyi's face suggested she didn't give a damn about the environment as she got out of the bed. 

"I agree. Let's go save the penguins." 

"Did you really have to say it like that?"

"Yes."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally finished! I didn't know how to end it so I just ended it.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry guys, did not actually mean to drop an angsty fic on Solar's day, it was unintentional lol.


End file.
